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Unkle Munky Pg 5
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- Your questions continued... Dylan from Crawley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a non smoker but wondered if those menthol cigarettes might help with my sore throat? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Dylan, Menthol cigarettes are crap. As a beginner I would recommend that you smoke either Embassy or Lambert and Butler. ---- Alan from Leicester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend's fake tan is growing progressively orange, so much so that she is beginning to resemble a 1970’s space hopper. What can I do? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Alan, space hopping looks like a lot of fun. I would advise that you simply take your girlfriend to the nearest filling station, fill her with air and bounce away those faking frustrations. ---- Cassie from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think it would be ok to whiten my grannies teeth with emulsion paint? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Cassie, emulsion paint is water-based and would eventually cause your Gran to foam violently at the mouth. Try Tipp-Ex instead. ---- Katie Melua sighs... ---- Steve from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently applied go-faster stripes to my 1989 ford escort. I am very disappointed with the results as it still takes forever and a day to reach sixty mph. Can I make a claim? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Steve, simply adding flashes of colour to your car will not make it go any faster. The world land speed record, for instance, was not beaten by simply adding more stripes. The only claim open to you in this instance is one of being a mechanical retard. ---- Cheryl from Devon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the instruction leaflet for my new garden shed clearly states, ‘Lay on a flat surface.’ I have been lying on the patio for almost three hours Unkle Munky, and to be quite frank, I cannot see what good it is doing. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Cheryl, I think you will find that the instruction to, ‘lay on a flat surface’ applies to your new shed, and not to yourself. ---- Tracy from Hanover asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend regularly donates sperm to the local sperm bank. Do you think they will give us a mortgage? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tracy, I can only assume that you have led a very sheltered life. Your boyfriend is more than likely relieving his sexual tension at the sperm bank, whilst at the same time giving something back to society. I have been in contact with your local clinic and, though they do not offer mortgage facilities, they do giveaway free pens after every tenth wank. ---- Liam from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my imaginary friend, Leonard, is beginning to get on my nerves. What can I do? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Liam, simple imagining a less irritating friend should put an end to your fantasy problem. Good luck. ---- ---- Peter from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am an high flying executive and in two weeks time I am expected to jet off to America as part of an ongoing money wasting programme. The trouble is, I am shit scared of flying Unkle Munky. Can you offer me any words of comfort or advice? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Peter, you have nothing to worry about. You are more likely to be hit by a meteorite than be involved in an air related accident. ---- Peter from Derby replies, Dear Unkle Munky, your words offer me little in the way of comfort. My great, great grandad was hit by a metorite in the late eighteenth century! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Peter, you’re just being pedantic now. ---- Ivan from Inverness asks, Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that, during the feminist movement, some of the raunchy women ripped off their sexy bras and then proceeded to burn them? I find the thought of that extremely arousing and wondered if feminism may one day make a return to our streets? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ivan, if Germaine Greer were dead she would be turning in her grave. Thankfully she isn’t. I have forwarded your letter to her offices. Good luck. ---- Anthony from Bath asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if those Kaiser Chiefs are so adept at predicting riots, would they not be better suited to working for a law-enforcement agency rather than jumping around a stage in a, quite frankly, disorderly fashion? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Anthony, I feel that you might be taking the work of the popular post-punk/art-rock combo a little to seriously. I almost caused a riot last week at PC World by refusing an extended warranty on a 17” TFT Monitor. Needless to say, the Kaiser Chiefs were nowhere to be seen. ---- Linda from Staffordshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is there any way of peeling onions without crying? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Linda, you can help allviate those mealtime tears by simply peeling said onions underwater. Linda replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I tried to peel aforementioned onions underwater and nearly fcuking drown myself! It’s the last time I ask a Munky for advice! ---- Little Johnny from Florida asks - Deer Unkly Munky can girls ejakoolate? Freddy sayz they can, but I tink he iz telling a lie. He smells funy and his weener is krooked when it gets big. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Johnny, information regarding female ejaculation can be found on numerous web sites. Here's one I found earlier. As for your friends crooked penis, it is quite normal and (in some cases) even beneficial to a partners sexual pleasure. There is absolutely no excuse for being stinky though. Try spraying an air-freshener in his general vicinity. He should get the hint. ---- Advertisement ---- Sheila from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do the BBC think they are? I am reliable informed that an increase in the licence fee is imminent. With this in mind, you would presume that programmes of a higher quality would be finding their way onto our screens. I just sat through a ridiculously boring art programme. There was absolutely no dialogue and the only thing to look at was a rotating steak and kidney pie. It's a disgrace! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sheila, could it be at all possible that you have just spent quarter of an hour watching the microwave? ---- Garth from Croydon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that carrots can help you to see in the dark? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Garth, carrots can indeed illuminate the darkness. However, you will need lighter fuel and matches to burn them properly. ---- Susanne from Kidderminster asks - Dear Unkle Munky, that phrase about an apple a day keeping the doctor away is complete and utter bollocks! I often consume more than the recommended dosage and still my tosser of a husband, Dr. Williams, arrives home safely each evening. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Susanne, the phrase to which you refer is merely a ploy used by adults to persuade children to eat more healthily. I am afraid that keeping your particular doctor away may require something far more substantial than a mere fruit-based dietary programme. ---- Ian from the Isle of White asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my rather obsessive girlfriend is threatening to have me tagged using a similar technology employed by the police to track stolen cars. Do you think she is being too possessive Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ian, a friend of mine was wrongfully tagged by the local authorities recently for his alleged involvement with an underground hedgehog inflating syndicate. He was eventually able to trick their electronically fortified curfew by simply amputating his lower left leg. In answer to your question, yes I do think your girlfriend is being a little too possessive. But as you can see, all is not lost... except maybe a limb or two. ---- Emma from Birkenhead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it okay to use my identical twin as a mirror? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Emma, you must learn to be your own person. Using your twin as a reflection will only cause psychological problems later in life. ---- You too could see in the dark! ---- Ray From Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently arrested whilst on vacation. I was merely doing what the Romans did. Do you think an appeal would be successful with regards to my attempted orgy? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ray, you should always use caution when applying the popular phrase, 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.' I would suggest that you act like a dim tourist (it shouldn't be too difficult.) On your release, do as the British do - bare your arse, shout abuse, drink yourself stupid and fall asleep in a steaming pile of vomit. I'm sure that an orgy will seem positively tame after such a display of vulgarity. ---- Alan from Leicester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I hear that the future is not only bright, but also orange. Does this mean that my permanently fake tanned girlfriend might disappear? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Alan, are you enquiring out of hope or concern? ---- Sarah from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband's 'last will and testament' apparently stipulates that I must sniff his ashes up my nose before I myself can get a sniff at his estate. He quite rightly claims that, during his lifetime, these two holes have always eluded his penertrating member. Are all men sick perverted bastards Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sarah, I readily admit that most men can safely be labelled 'sexually degenerate'. I cannot help but feel, however, that your husband's perversions are a tad extreme. ---- In Da Hood... Jason from Wrexham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, our local council recently implemented a 'No hoods' policy. My friends and myself are proper pissed (mainly on cider and alcho-pops) because we have, on numerous occasions, seen old ladies walking around with those plastic hoods on their heads. To be quite frank, I find them quite intimidating! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jason, I could not agree more. The threatening appearance of these hooded pensioners has, on numerous occasions, left me quaking in my Doctor Marten Steel toe-capped boots. The regulations of which you speak should surely apply to all? I am writing to my MP as we speak. It's an outrage! ---- Zoe from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that death can be fatal? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Zoe, doctors up and down the country generally agree that death is indeed fatal. I am currently working on a 'death plaster'. Unfortunately, it has so far failed to alleviate the effects of death on 100% of those tested. ---- Ryan from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who is in charge of clouds!? I was out shopping with my granny earlier today when I spied a cloud that resembled a rather rampant looking penis. Luckily I was able to think on my feet and simply informed my beloved granny that it was a variable speed vibrator with realistic ejaculation feature. She seemed to swallow it. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ryan, there is no 'Ministry of clouds' listed in the phone book. I can only assume that this particular X-rated cloud anomaly was a bizarre act of nature. ---- Richard from Edinburgh asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend is addicted to shoes. Can you help? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Richard, in order to offer you the relative advice it is imperative that you divulge the number of shoes that your girlfriend is currently smoking (on a daily basis). ---- Sheila from Cumberland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that spy satellites are so powerful that they can discern the time on a wristwatch? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sheila, I can confirm that your suspicions regarding spy satellites are correct. Though why on earth anyone would want to spy on our watches is, quite frankly, beyond me. ---- Liam from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my new imaginary friend, Cassandra, has run up a huge phone bill. I am at my wits end and no mistake! How am I going to pay it? I'm only seven! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Liam, you will be relieved to hear that imaginary phone bills are currently exempt from payment. ---- Unkle Munky helps Heel the sick ---- Jane from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently completed reading the 2006 telephone book. To be quite frank, I was rather disappointed with the development of the characters and thought that the plot was both weak and ill conceived. With this in mind I was wondering what you were reading of late? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jane, I too have read the 2006 telephone book and must also confess to an overall feeling of disappointment. It varied little from the 2005 edition and even seemed to include most of the same characters! I have also noted that the author is still insisting on anonymity. Could it be that he/she is less than happy with his/her work? You might enjoy the 'Yellow pages' Jane. It offers more in the way of variety and even includes pictures! ---- Terry from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is there a way of blocking my late grannies spirit from making itself known at seances? She always embarrasses me by talking about my late development with regards to toilet training. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Terry, there are some excellent spam filters on the market. Regrettably, none of them feature a 'Gran guard'. I will of course contact you if the relative technology ever becomes available. Please note, I am still very much alive and will therefore have no option but to contact you via more conventional means (email/telephone/text/pigeon/crop circle etc.) ---- Lu from Grimsby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have read that Cod Liver Oil is meant to be good for the joints? I have been applying aforementioned oil to my knees and elbows for almost three weeks now and, to be quite frank, I feel as stiff as ever! 'Unkle Munky says -' Oh fer god's sake. Dear Lu, the medication of which you speak is meant to be taken internally. I would suggest that your purchase said supplement in capsule form so as to eliminate any further confusion. ---- Paul from Ledbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was meant to meet a girl from my local dating agency on Friday night. Unfortunately she never turned up. I am rather dubious about her excuse and wondered if you, or any of your acquaintances, have ever been abducted by a rampant gang of inquisitive sex aliens? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Paul, I think we can safely assume that your date had a last minute change of heart. ---- Lu from Grimsby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, with regards to these pesky Cod Liver Oil capsules - How the fcuk am I meant to get them up my bum? 'Unkle Munky says -' Jesus Christ! Dear Lu, when I adviced taking aforementioned oily medication 'internally' I was referring to your mouth and not your arse! Please dispose of the capsules you have previously attempted to 'take' and ingest the remainder (one a day) with a glass of water. ---- ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...